I was supposed to go on a date in Tampa tonight, but I spent four hours in traffic on the 275 bridge just to be turned around at some kind of barricade. If you’ve ever driven in Florida, you know that highway-crippling accidents aren’t exactly a rare occurrence, so I figured there was a pile-up or something and they closed the bridge so they could clean it up.

My second option was to try to take the Skyway Bridge through Bradenton and then head back up north toward Tampa, but after sitting in hours of traffic again, I was turned away again. Let me reiterate: Florida drivers aren’t exactly known for being…well, good, but I’ve gotta think that the odds of hitting two pile-ups in the same night are pretty low, right?

I don’t know if it was masochistic curiosity or if I was just so annoyed that I felt the need to prove a point, but after getting turned around at the Skyway Bridge, I decided to head north to see if I could go up through Tarpon Springs and back down around the east side of Tampa Bay. When I tell y’all that I tried every. single. street. — I took 19, but got turned around at Oldsmar. It was the same for all of the surface streets south of Lake Tarpon. When I finally made it up to Tarpon Springs, there was a barricade all the way across Tarpon Ave. And when I say all the way across, I mean that thing went into Lake Tarpon and extended all the way across to the Gulf inlet.

Also, when I say there was a barricade, I’m not talking about like, police cruisers in the streets with their lights flashing — I mean straight up concrete barriers with stadium lights and guards. I didn’t get a good look because I’m not gonna lie, the whole situation was kind of starting to freak me out, but the guards didn’t look like highway patrolmen. I’m pretty sure they were wearing combat fatigues, and I don’t know whose uniform that is but it sure as shit isn’t anyone employed by the state of Florida.

At that point I pretty much had to admit defeat, so I just turned around and came home to my apartment. I’ve been scrolling through the local news channels since I got back, but none of them are reporting on the barricades, so it can’t be that big a deal. The weird thing is, though, that when I texted my date and told him that I couldn’t get to Tampa, he offered to come to me. But when he got to the bridge, it wasn’t just the outgoing traffic that was being blocked — it was the incoming traffic, too. Apparently he tried asking one of the guardsmen what was going on, but they just told him he needed to turn around and that the bridge would be reopened when it was “safe.” My roommate’s been sick in bed all day and I’m pretty sure she’s asleep now, so I can’t ask her, and I guess that’s why I’m here.

So, kind people of the internet: does anyone know why all of the roads out of St. Pete are closed?

p.s. – here’s a map for the uninitiated. I’ve tried to draw where the barricades are, in case that helps.